My Cruella

Writing has slowly become a habit of expressing my thoughts especially when I feel inspired, want to talk about a certain recipe or an exciting adventure. It can also be an outlet to just let my inner thoughts break free though I do not do this often but I try as much as I can to let it out even just in writing. It can be really exhausting keeping all those negative energies inside of you. I was never the type of person who shares about her personal issues. Despite being aware that I am surrounded by people who mean so much to me and who truly cares for me, I never had the nerve to approach any of them and just open up about my negative thoughts. I have this notion that everyone is already struggling with something, why bother wasting people’s time with your melancholic drama? I feel like it would be a waste of energy or I would always compare my dilemmas with other people’s dilemmas and say to myself that mine’s worthless. It’s not worth listening to or you’re just being too dramatic, Erica.

What’s weird about it is I always tell people close to me that no matter how big or small, your feelings will always be valid. But when it comes to myself, I can’t even apply the advice I give to others.

I have always been a good listener. I have that weird habit of worrying about other people’s problems. I feel like it is an escape for me to avoid my own inner battles. Instead of trying to deal with my own shit, I use other people’s struggles to distract myself from facing my own. It may sound weird but yeah, that’s how it is. That’s how I am. I know I have to change this habit but no one has an idea of how difficult it is to come face to face with your inner voice. This inner voice is like a person clinging in my head, reminding me every day how worthless I am or how undeserving I am of happiness. It’s like an ongoing dialogue of critical thoughts and most times it leads to corrupting my self- worth or just literally makes me feel worse about myself. I am very much aware that I have to work on this matter but it’s just really challenging. No words can describe how much of a struggle it is to deal with your inner voice every day. Or I could call it my “cruel inner voice”. Maybe I could just name her, Cruella.

Cruella, the bitch critic of my headspace.

Now, I’m writing this entry to let everyone know, or anyone out there who is struggling with their own Cruellas that you are not alone. It’s hard. It’s DEFINITELY hard but I’m still surviving each day and striving to get a taste of complete self-appreciation or self-worth. I try every day to challenge my inner voice and see myself for who I really am rather than listening to Cruella’s negative point of view towards me. It will never be easy. If only you get a glimpse of how deep and dark Cruella’s lair is. No one has a fucking clue how powerful the mind can be especially on its’ dark side. I hope every day that my bright inner voice would someday be more powerful than its’ evil counterpart.

 

As the new year is fast approaching, I challenge myself and to everyone who has a similar dilemma to try and find their true sense of self-worth. I’ve looked up a list to hopefully guide and remind us to appreciate ourselves. It will be difficult, but trying and acknowledging that you want to change for the better is already a step of self- improvement.

  1. We shouldn’t be rating ourselves. We should just be ourselves.
  2. Stop comparing yourself to others and evaluating your every move.
  3. If we treat the people we love with kindness and compassion, we should learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion.
  4. Acknowledge and notice your suffering but be kind and caring in response to this suffering.
  5. Remember that imperfection is part of the human experience and something we all share.
  6. If you derive self-worth from, for example, your job, you are in for troubles. You’ll never truly experience real lasting self-confidence. If you have a nice job, it’ll not be where your self-worth comes from. Self-worth will come from the fact that you are growing and developing for yourself and not for others.
  7. You may have awesome relationships And your romantic relationship rocks but that is not where your actual self-worth comes from; your self-esteem comes from connection and empathy.
  8. The reasons for your self-appreciation are about values. And your values are about fulfilling yourself. Two people may be doing the same thing but for different reasons. It’s about the right values. The values that include growth and development and not impressing or pleasing.

Easier said than done but I sincerely hope that this list will help and remind us that we have to live our lives driven by values that promote courage and honesty.

 

Greeting everyone a Happy New Year!

May our own Cruella finally vanish or at least get buried somewhere distant so we could live a positive and uplifting 2019. Cheers!

 

 

 

 

Alktheb, Mosab. (2018, February 4). Do you need a reason to appreciate yourself [Web log post]. Retrieved December 29, 2018, from https://worthyinside.com/do-you-need-a-reason-to-appreciate-yourself/

 

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